


my turn on the mental breakdown

by Claira



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: AND THEN I HIT 'post', Big Brother Sokka (Avatar), CARPAL TUNNLE, Dyslexic Author, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Sokka (Avatar), I need to stop typing so much, I ranted for like a half an hour, Insecure Sokka (Avatar), Mental Breakdown, Minor Sokka/Suki, Out of Character, Sokka (Avatar) is a Good Friend, a lot of crying, abslootly no editing has been done, completely ignoring my arm pain (from excessive typing), ops - Freeform, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27988140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claira/pseuds/Claira
Summary: Sokka accepted his role in the team.Act silly, smile smugly, be a shoulder to cry on.as always he neglects his own emotions to make shore no one else dose.as always he's good at hiding it.right up until he isn't.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	my turn on the mental breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> emotions run high, I project onto Sokka instead of Zuko for once!  
> dyslexia strikes again enjoy a borderline readable story!  
> anyways italics is the intrusive thoughts. that's probably obvious but hey I made a note anyways!

It started simply. Just like before, just like in the beginning Katara was yelling. And it changed everything. Zuko dragged her off on their life changing field trip. Her words cut deep, but Sokka knew she didn't mean it. She was angry and lashing out, and she was his little sister so he took the attack in stride. With a deep breath and pushing the words back, by setting his mind to work, to compartmentalize to do the same thing he always did.

_ What’s the difference between moving on and not caring? Did you even love her? Is what you call ‘moving on’ nothing more than pretending she never existed?  _ Sokka took another breath and focused on the task at hand. Figuring out what was left, in the rush to leave the air temple they left a lot behind Sokka had to figure out what. 

Suki took a breath, she smiled sweetly at her boyfriend, and without a word she turned and helped him go though the remaining supplies. He smiled back, for as loud as the two could be they thrived in silence. 

“She didn't mean it” Suki whispered Sokka looked up at her a smug smile in his eyes

“It’s just something I get to blackmail her over later, maybe I can get out of dishes for a month!” Suki laughed, for as close as they were almost no one could tell the difference between deflection and business as usual. 

Katara and Zuko returned. Both individually comforted him Zuko came over first, saying Katara had been upset about what she said the whole way back so Sokka made a joke about him being jealous over his amazing sister. Zuko refused to comment further. Katara came next, she barely got a sentence out before she started crying so Sokka sat with her while she talked, the man who killed their mother, who killed  _ his  _ mother was a coward. 

_ She left you behind while she found him, she thought you would just slow her down! She’s right, she’s a powerful bender, what can you do? _

Katara hugged her brother close, as if he would slip though her arms and discover into a puddle of nothing on the floor should she let go.

_ You can’t protect her, you can’t keep her safe, you never keep anyone safe, not mom, not Yue, not Katara, or Dad, Toph, Aang, Zuko not even Suki. you can’t keep them safe, they don’t need you. _

“Hey Kat, I understand, you were mad, I know you don’t think that” Sokka soothed she sniffed, pulling him even closer. His sister had nearly taken a life tonight. His little 14 year old sister nearly killed a man on a revenge quest. “I know you didn't mean it, it wasn't ok, but I understand, you’re forgiven”

_ She was right. _

“I’m so sorry” Katara continued to cry. When was the last time she let herself cry like this? It must have been before Aang went down, she had refused to cry then, at least she was crying now.

“I know, I know you’re sorry” Sokka whispered as he gently ran his hand through his sister's hair. She was so young, so very young, and in this moment Sokka let her be the kid she was. She needed him to be the adult right now, and Sokka needed his little sister to be ok so he held her until they both fell asleep. Sokka knew how Katara was, she gave 100% of herself to everyone, and she had now truly gotten a chance to be selfish. She deserved it, she deserved to be selfish that night. Sokka refused to let her feel bad for getting the closure she needed. So he dozed off a few hours after her feeling safe and secure that he had confirmed his sister.

  
  


Suki was next, everyone had been lazing around ember island, it was a lovely vacation spot. Sokka felt the shift the moment it happened, Suki had been racing Zuko to see who could get to the roof first and suddenly her smile fell, eyes going dark, it lasted for a moment but it was more than enough to alert Sokka. 

“You ok?” he asked that night, they had wandered off just to be alone, to just exist in each other's presence. 

“I was thinking about my girls” she admitted “I’m out here, in some vacation house, while they're locked up in some fire-nation prison”

“Suki” Sokka started “you can’t blame yourself for that, it’s not your fault, besides there isn't much we can do to change that but win this war”

_ She’s not the reason her warriors are in prison, but you’re the reason everyone from the invasion is _

“They chose to follow me” Suki insisted “if I hadn't lead them into enemy territory they would never be here right now”

“They follow you because they believe in you, and they all chose to do that, they knew the risks I know they don’t blame you”

_ The Kioshi warriors followed her because they believe in her, they trust her, the invasion force followed my plan because Dad presented it, and even then it failed, it’s my fault they were locked up  _

“They could be hurt! And I’m just… joking around with the fire prince!”

“Ok first of all, we’ll get them out, the moment this war ends we’ll get them out, also, if your girls knew what you were doing here, helping the avatar’s  _ teachers  _ prataice their skills, preparing for the final invasion that would end the war they would be proud, besides titles don’t really matter anymore, Toph’s a fucking Beifong, you can’t tell me your girls woudent find that amusing” 

_ Toph’s the most powerful earthbender, Aang’s the avatar, Katara’s the most powerful water bender, Zuko’s a master firebender, Suki’s the leader of the Kioshi warriors and your nothing. _

“I guess you have a point,” Suki snorted. She laughed because if she didn't she would cry. Sokka pulled his girlfriend in for a hug.

“You’re allowed to feel, it’s only natural” Sokka reassured her as the damn finally broke “it’s scary, not knowing where they are, if they're ok” Suki’s sobbs were quiet but there was so much in each shuddering breath. Suki spent her entire life in her home, she trained form when she was eight, she was the leader at 15. Suki had led a team of girls across an entire continent to fight a war. The very definition of a child soldier she held the other girls when they cried. Treated every cut and bruise, helped with war paint and tied up hair as an act of silent support. She helped overs and rarely let herself get help. For that Sokka made sure to hold her tight, to make her feel every bit as worthy, as loved, as she deserved to be.

_ They have to be able to feel. They need to be able to cry, Aang’s 12, his whole world was destroyed overnight in his time he needs to mourn. Toph rejected her abusive parents less than six months ago, she’s still re-learning what it means to feel, to love, and she’s 12 she needs to feel. Katara spreads herself so thin, helping everyone but herself, but she’s still your little sister, and she’s been refusing to feel, she needs to be able to cry. Suki’s a powerful leader but she carries the weight of all her warriors on her shoulders, she needs to breathe. Zuko--like Toph--JUST rejected his abusive family, now he’s convinced the only family that loved him hates him, and he still hasn't learned how to stop repressing, he needs to let it out. You? What issues do you have? What right do you have? They need you, they need a shoulder to cry on! Comfort is the only thing you're good for and even then… _

  
  


No one was surprised when Zuko broke down, they all returned from the  _ The Boy in the Iceberg  _ quiet the air suffocatingly thick. He lit the fire and brought out the food they had prepared in advance for dinner. Whether everyone saw the way the tension that always radiated off him had doubled or not Sokka had no idea. What he did know was that after Zuko brought over the food to be warmed up he started making tea. 

A teacup smashed against the floor. Zuko dropped to his knees to pick it up, swearing under his breath. The air grew thicker, no one knew how to react.

“Damn it” Zuko spat picking up the pieces of the cup, he moved awkwardly and the porcelain cut his hand. “Spritis fucking damn it!” He picked up another cup and put it on the floor. They had expected this, he had been trying to get over his anger issues but a few slip ups were normal. What no one had been expecting was as if that cup was the only thing holding him together.

Zuko choked on a sob, he wrapped one arm tightly around his chest and lifted his other hand to his mouth, biting down in an attempt to stop the sobs. No one knew how to react. Until Sokka jumped to his feet, walked over and placed a hand on his friend's back. The scarred boy flinched on contact but otherwise didn't resist.

“It’s ok to cry” Sokka whispered, pulling the boy's arm so he would stop hurting himself by biting so hard. That snapped everyone else into action. At least this time it wasn't all on Sokka to sooth a panicked friend.

_ Stop being selfish! It doesn't matter if it’s all on you, you help! You’re being selfish by being glad they’re here to help, what do you resent the other items? Do you regret helping them? Selfish bastard. _

“It’s just… so much” Zuko admitted “I mean, I always knew he wanted me dead but…” they had seen the signs, heard it in the few times Zuko talked about himself, felt it in him flinching away from touch, so they all knew Ozai abused his son, they knew he gave up on everything he  _ ever  _ wanted and changed  _ everything  _ about his life in the span of a month and a half.

“I know” Aang the team knew he never let himself feel so they offered comfort in the least overwhelming way they knew how. Aang hugged Zuko because he got there first, Sokka had his hand on his shoulder but kept it still, Toph and Suki casually sat within the scared boy's field of vision, and Katara gently dropped the tempacure of the water in the air. Zuko cried himself to sleep surrounded by friends, who immediately decided it was camping night and after moving all the fragments of teacup away fell asleep next to their personal space heater.

_ You need to be strong because everyone else needs to be allowed to feel. What right do you have to complain? _

Sokka loved his friends but he was getting tired, this was, afterall, the third breakdown this week.

_ Stop being selfish, they need help, you don’t so you need to be an adult. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because everyone else has issues. You’re nothing but a selfish piece of trash. _

  
  


Aang had his breakdown, and again, someone else was there to comfort him. Admittedly pressuring a 12 year old into murder was maby… not the best comfert. Aang solved this problem by disappearing.

_ It’s your fault, you’re supposed to be the comforter, the one who keeps people safe, if you had just shut up and done your JOB you would know where Aang is, but no, you can’t even keep a 12 year old safe for a single afternoon. _

  
  


Toph--surprisingly--was next, having her breakdown in the white lotus camp. Whether she was the most stable, or just the best at hiding it was a debate no one wanted to think too hard on. (she was neither, none could claim ‘most stable’ and Sokka himself earned ‘best at hiding it’). Sokka found Toph crying, she had climbed most of the way into a hole in the cliffside and was barely muffling her tears. 

“Hey Toph” he called as if there was nothing wrong. If she wanted to talk they would talk, if she wanted to ignore it he would happily tell an embarrassing story about another member of team Avatar. 

“After we win” she started, clearly making up her mind “after we win where will you go?” Sokka made a face and he knew what she meant. He had, afterall, thought about the same thing many sleepless nights over.

“I don’t know” he admitted “I don’t know, but I do know that you won’t get left behind, if Aang goes off to rebuild air temples he would be happy if you followed him, if you go back to the south pole with Katara and I, we would love to take you with us, if you wanted to stay with Zuko in the fire nation you know he would love it, and spirits if you wanted to run off on your own and become an international criminal we all know you could probably take over the world in one afternoon” 

_ Toph can follow anyone, if she asked any of them to follow her to the ends of the earth, no one would follow you. _

“Besides'' Sokka continued “it’s not like we’re all going to be leaving right away, you know we’ll need to restabilize the fire nation, and I think if we left Zuko alone so quickly after shoving him into international politics his uncle would kill us!” Toph laughed 

“Do you think I should give my parents another chance?” Sokka wanted to scream, he wanted to insist she never go near them again. They were gaslighters, abusers, who emotionally tormented their only child, forcing her into a mold, making her repress her true self. They sent someone to kidnap her by the eternal cycle; they lost their Toph privileges the moment they decided she was nothing more than a porcelain doll.

“They probably haven't changed” was what he said

_ You’re a coward who can’t tell her what you really think, you’re just like her parent’s thinking she’s too weak to handle it, hypocrite! _

“Probably not… but I feel like, I don’t know, they did try to protect me, even if it was messed up, they were still trying to protect me.”

“If you go back they’ll try the same thing again, they’ll go back to gaslighting and trying to manipulate you.” Sokka was always blunt about the things that mattered. 

“There’s no way I could be my own legal guardian is there?”

“No, but we might be able to find a way to have my dad adopt you without causing an international incident” Toph smiled

“Honestly, I don’t know, I guess I still want to try, they… they loved me, in their own twisted way” Sokka wanted to ask if they loved her or if they loved the porcelain doll they forced her to be. He wanted to point out that Zuko had insisted Ozai loved him up until he felt lightning pass though his body. He wanted to tell her that going to see them would probably leave her feeling hurt and frustrated. 

“Maybe they did” he said instead

_ Hypocrite! _

“But would they love you for you?” he asked, he couldn't put her through it, he needed to warn her. Toph’s parents would probably never love her for who she is, they would turn her into a literal doll before they chose their real breathing child. He still couldn't bring himself to say everything, but he hoped somehow it was enough.

“I don’t know” 

_ You made her more upset, you idiot! You’re supposed to be helping her! Not making this worse. _

“Whatever you're feeling right now, you’re allowed to feel it,” Sokka whispered. Toph nodded, jumping down from her perch she punched him in the arm, then wrapped him in a hug. “Come on,” he laughed, dragging her off. “Let's go show king Bumi that he’s definitely not the best earthbender in this camp!”

“FUCK YEAH!!” Toph called running off. Sokka wondered what horrors he brought to the white lotus camp by cheering up his friend.

  
  


The war ended. Sokka had a broken leg. Zuko had gotten hit with lightning and was locked in a near perpetual fight with Katara over whether or not he was going to listen to medical advice. Aang had returned and learned spirit bending. Toph had nearly fallen to her death in a moment where Sokka had never seen more fear in someone's eyes. Suki was alive, and off terrifying anyone who even considered acting as an Ozai supporter.

The war was over. Everyone was celebrating, the members of the invasion and the Kioshi warriors would be released within a week. Ba Sing Se had been reconcoered, with--according to the reports--efficiency so terrifying 90% of the soldiers stationed there defected within the first 30 minutes. 

The war had disappeared. Sokka should be happy. He should be smiling with his friends, laughing. Gently teasing with the others. All he wanted to do was cry.

He stood firm and protective, the adult in the team as much as he acted the least machure. The entire last year Sokka had barely let himself cry. He was so tired. The entire last year the voice in his head had been growing, twisting, it called him useless so often he nearly forgot what the word ment. Sokka had the world convinced he was ok, that he was the meat and sarcasm guy. That he was ok being the most useless member of the team avatar. 

“So how were you able to track us all the time?” Aang asked looking over to Zuko in a botched attempt to distract him long enough to submit to healing.

“I tracked bison sightings it wasn't that hard”

“Huh, I guess Sokka was right!” Aang laughed

“Duh, I’m always right” Sokka retorted “right about what?” the room laughed, Sokka smiled pushing his unstable feelings down

“Remember right before we met Jet, how you made us walk because we were probably being tracked by Appa?” 

“So I was right about literally everything to do with Jet then?” Sokka retired. Somehow the words stuck in his head. He had been right, they refused to listen, they teased him relentlessly that day and he was right. How often had it happened? How often had they teased him about something, when he stubbornly refused to let it sting. When Toph refused to count him in a fight because he was a nonbender. When everyone went to train and he was left behind. Left behind, he was always being left behind. Sokka broke his eyes filled with tears.

“Sokka!” Katara cried in alarm “are you ok!?”

“It’s my turn on the mental breakdown” he whispered trying to make light of the situation. There was no response and suddenly… he couldn't stop.

“It’s my fucking turn on the mental breakdown!” words tumbled from his mouth as he let everything out, between sobbs he explained how he always felt useless, even after Pandao, he admitted to setting into his role as meat and sarcasm because he felt like he couldn't do anything else. He talked about his guilt over the invasion. About how he could never protect anyone. He talked until his voice was horse and he had no more tears. 

He listened when he realized there was nothing more to say. When he came back to himself being held by the entire team. He listened when they took apart every detail about him, explaining how amazing he was. They told him he was a capable fighter, and between the two others who knew non bending fighting they made him believe it by dissecting every part of his fighting style. He listened to his friends, his family, and when they made him promise not to bottle things up again. He told them they all had to make the same promise. 

Somehow, someway, when each and every member of team avatar promised to  _ try  _ not to bottle up their feelings until they explode, each and everyone believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> this may or may not be a direct result of the GOD AWFUL time I've been having.   
> seriously I did this, like really, I comforted all my friends, felt like shit, and then screamed "it's my turn on the mental break down" except I did it at 1 am and made shore no one heard me...  
> crying is healthier than feeling numb but I haven't been able to cry properly since the childhood trauma convinced me not to show emotions   
> (give a wild fucking guess why Zuko is my default projecting charter)


End file.
